I am going to let you in on a little secret of mine. Are you ready? Here it goes……I am totally winging it. Crazy, huh? All of the big decisions in my life have totally been improvised. And for those of you that know me, know I am a planner. I love to plan things. I love to plan parties, get-togethers, trips, I have even dabbled in a few events. My left brain, mostly type A personality loves to organize and plan. I am a list maker to the T. However, the moments in my life that have gotten me here, to my living room in mid-Missouri on this computer right now, have been last minute moments of panic. I worked for my dad throughout high school and right after graduation I helped him open a restaurant in Sedalia. In May of 2011 the restaurant was closed due to a tornado. I was 24 with no job and no clue what to do next. My uncle called and said I could come to Texas and they’d help me start over. My first thought was absolutely not. I’ve never not lived in Missouri, let alone away from my parents. Shortly after that phone call, I got into an argument with my then-boyfriend (ish) and out of nowhere I hear myself say, “That’s fine, I’m moving to Texas anyways”. Excuse me, what did I say? A wave of panic swept over me as I realized that now I have to move to Texas. Fast forward a few years, it was time to move back to Missouri. I felt like my time in Texas was done. I proved to myself that I could do it, I was independent and able to survive, but I missed home. People immediately started to ask what was my plan after moving back home. I had no idea, I hadn’t thought that far. So I just starting saying that I’m going back to college. It sounded like a good answer. So I did. I started college as soon as I moved home with no long term plans. I went to ultrasound school because I didn’t want nursing but still wanted healthcare. I didn’t even know what an echocardiogram was until I was practically applying for the program. There are more examples of my whimsical style decision making, but I won’t bore you with details. I am sitting here in Kansas City, Missouri because of several quick decisions that were made either out of hurt or panic. The thing about me is I never wanted to be someone who doesn’t follow through with things. If I said I was going to do something, then I was going to do it. Looking back, I may have taken it a little too far.
For obvious reasons I have always assumed that I was “out of the will of God”. I barely consulted myself on my path in life, let alone consulted God. I think it was easier to handle the failure if I could own the failure. If I made a move based on prayer and it blew up in my face, I didn’t want to blame God. Honestly, my faith walk didn’t need any more road blocks in it. I love Jesus, I have always loved Jesus and I think my random moments of spontaneity was a way to protect my perception of Him. At the end of the day everything that went wrong in Texas was my fault, my divorce was my fault, the days that I don’t like my career are my fault, everything is my fault because I made the choices that brought me here. That’s a lot to carry. On top of just trying to figure things out and make things work and essentially winging it, I had this constant gnawing feeling that I was wrong. I totally missed the train, got on the wrong bus, took the wrong turn, however you want to put it, I was wrong, I missed it. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be divorced by 35, maybe I was supposed to be a mom, what if I was meant to be a business owner and not a cardiac sonographer. What if I totally blew it! Can I tell you another not-so-secret? God is so kind and so gracious. Shortly after I moved to KC and started attending my church, the Lord spoke to me and said, “You are in the right place at the right time”. I felt like I could finally take a deep breath and exhale. What a relief. I knew He was saying this is the right job, in the right city, at the right hospital, and the right church. For the first time in my entire life it felt right, like I had finally gotten off at the right stop. After years of panicked, forced decisions, I finally got one right. Peace had finally reached me. I say all of that to say that God is not restricted by time, He is a redeemer of it. We may look back on our lives and see years wasted, but my friend, I assure you God does not see time wasted. He sees time that can be bought back. The enemy wants to convince you that it is too late, you’ve squandered your best years and now you have to settle. That is not the case! Our Creator is not bound by time, He created time. All the mistakes that were made along the way were not enough to detour the plan of God for your life. I am in the right place at the right time despite my, sometimes questionable, improvisation skills. Take rest in knowing that God is a big God. He loves big, He gives mercy big, and He creates space big enough for us and our windy roads.
Restorative Mercy 