I distinctly remember looking around the room in church, thinking we are one weird rule away from a cult. As often as that thought has crossed my mind, church has always been a familiar place. A home even.
I grew up in church. Shocker, I know, but I quite literally grew up IN church. We lived half a block from church in a small town. We went to school at our church, we went to Sunday morning and evening services, Tuesday night prayer, Wednesday night service and Thursday night praise and worship practice. Let’s not forgot about the all weekend revival services. Every person I knew, besides my extended family, was a part of my church circle. So please believe me when I say I am familiar with church. It has always been a home to me. A place that I understood. I’ve realized, however, that familiarity doesn’t equal security. Being comfortable in a place or a situation doesn’t mean you’re convinced it’s safe.
Over the years, I’ve seen some head-turning situations in churches. From misunderstandings to flat out lies and division, from twisted theology to just plain ‘they didn’t know better’. I’ve witnessed a lot. If you asked me a week ago what my take away was, I’d say pastors and leaders are just people, that’s it. Although it’s a true statement, it gave me the justification I needed to not trust God’s people. Since I know church and I know churches tend to screw things up, I never could truly invest myself. I was one foot out the door, at all times. Head cocked sideways with a straight face during sermons, ready to run at the slightest injustice. I thought I was being smart, but truly I was being disrespectful. I allowed the humanity of God’s people to overshadow the omnipotence of God. The line between trusting in God and consistently doubting His people is an impossible line to walk. It was stifling my freedom. It took the joy out of my salvation. I was stuck ankle deep in the river that was meant to deliver me. My skepticism in the churches intentions made it okay for me to keep my distance. I am not the conspiracy type, but I am the ‘looking at you with a side eye because I don’t believe what you are saying until I decide for myself’ type. Don’t get me wrong, a healthy amount of skepticism is okay. You cannot take everyone at their word. But my mind was telling my heart what was okay and what wasn’t. Or better yet, the hurt and the bad memories were dictating how much freedom I was allowed to feel in the house of God. The enemy had a foothold through which he could feed me lies and steal my abundance. I was convinced I didn’t need to tithe because I didn’t know what they were doing with my money. I told myself they only invested in me so that I would volunteer. I was so sure that I was excluded on purpose because I was single and not as useful to the church. The bondage in these statements are blaringly obvious. Oh, the lies I was feeding on! When this revelation hit me in the face, I cried most of the weekend. I stood in worship that following Sunday morning with my hands up and my face toward Heaven saying, “I am so sorry I haven’t trusted your people, I am so sorry”. By acknowledging that I haven’t trusted the church I was forced to admit that I wasn’t trusting in God either. I was keeping Him at a distance, too. The goodness of God will always outweigh the flaws of man. As soon as I let go of the mistrust and division, it was like the chains that held my fists to my sides were broken, the restriction on my voice fell loose and I felt freedom. Because, finally, it wasn’t about the speaker or the worship leader, I wasn’t waiting for them to disappoint to me. It wasn’t about church or money or time, it was about Him. It is truly and undoubtedly about the kingdom of God. I was no longer allowing the mistakes of the past to outrank the character of God. He is a good God and He has good thoughts and intentions toward us. And it’s okay to believe that His people do too. My path in life has been paved with mercy and grace. It’s time that I extend that gift of mercy and grace to my church family. Just as I need the redemption of Christ, so does my pastors and my peers.
“Don’t allow what’s wrong with you stop you from worshipping what’s right with God” Kelly K Ministries.
Restorative Mercy 